Hoping...

So, last Monday (March 23 of course...) my immune system lost the long-fought battle. I got really sick. Cold sick, not sick sick... It got so bad that my dad said I looked like death on Saturday. Nice thing to hear from your father... not. Then I had a speech to write for Tuesday the 31, but was still sick. (Does the sickness ever end?) Not so far... my speech went really well. It was my best one, and guess why? IT WAS ABOUT BACKPACKING!!! So much fun! I think I may try to upload some pictures if I can figure out how to do it... Later. Well then I had my chem test today, which seemed like so long ago. I've had one crazy day now that I think about it. I loved being able to do homework outside today. Sorry this post is so random... my mind is completely scattered. Well all week I've gotten less than 6 hours of sleep at night. Can't wait to get a decent night's sleep tomorrow night at home! Then tonight we also had a sex talk from my Psych professor. It was pretty good. After that, they had a panel of four wives from some of the staff here at good ol' HU. That was even better. I love listening to older women talk about their life experiences. It really helps me in some way, just not sure how yet. I've got two tests Monday and I'm working a lot this weekend. I want another spring break... please??? I realized tonight that I still have a lot of healing to do... not going into details, but I've got some more ideas about how to start fixing my crazy life. Always a good thing, I hope?

Some more thoughts...

I just started reading another book entitled, "Victory Over the Darkness: Realizing the Power of Your Identity in Christ," by Neil T. Anderson (how ironic?). I happened to come upon a poem by an unknown author...

Lend me your hope for awhile,
I seem to have mislaid mine.
Lost and hopeless feelings accompany me daily,
pain and confusion are my companions.
I know not where to turn;
looking ahead to future times does not bring forth images of renewed hope.
I see troubled times, pain-filled days, and more tragedy.

Lend me your hope for awhile,
I seem to have mislaid mine.
Hold my hand and hug me;
listen to all my ramblings, recovery seems so far distant.
The road to healing seems like a long and lonely one.

Lend me your hope for awhile,
I seem to have mislaid mine.
Stand by me, offer me your presence, your heart, and your love.
Acknowledge my pain, it is so real and ever present.
I am overwhelmed with sad and conflicting thoughts.

Lend me your hope for awhile;
a time will come when I will heal,
and I will share my renewal,
hope and love with others.

Backpacking Among Other Things...

Spring break went pretty well... not much happened. Some of the highlights included: going to Winter Jam with Grace, hanging out with Grace and her roommate, celebrating Grace's birthday with her family and Leslie, talking to Kt on Skype, and BACKPACKING!!! I went backpacking with my dad for two days in Morgan Monroe State Forest near Bloomington. We hiked a ten-mile trail, which was extremely hilly. We hiked five miles each day and camped that night. It was near 50 degrees during the day, but got down to 20 degrees that night. Man, it was cold... but a lot of fun. I definitely recommend it over non-primitive camping.

On another note...
I feel like I'm running out of things to say. I've been stuck in this pattern for a while now. I feel somewhat stagnant in life right now. It's just this repetitive and neverending rut...

Until I find more things to say?

Those weather forecasters are a group of liars...

Wow, I definitely have not been using my computer as much as I'd like to. Maybe this will help with my failing battery life. I haven't updated my blog in a while... so here goes.

What to say first? I guess, I've kept my goals for the season. No pop, rare use of Facebook. I really miss Coke at work though. It's been tough, but I know I can do it. Motivation is a wonderful thing. How much motivation is behind my goals though? Just so I can say, "heck yeah, I did it!"? I guess having goals is a good thing. Maybe it's the only way for me to remember to do things, or give them more importance.

My family and I went shopping Saturday... Best thing ever happened... We ate lunch at Chic-fil-a, and Barb asked me about my money situation and my extreme desire for an iPod. Well we got to talking, and I figured out that I could pay my dad back in about a month. I told him that, and he said, "well, let's go get it." JAW DROPPING OCCURS HERE!!! The one thing that I've been wanting for about four or five years, is now MINE! My dad paid for part of it for my birthday, and I'll pay him back for the rest. My life is now complete :) just kidding... but seriously. If you see me in the next few weeks (or years), you are likely to see headphones in my ears, and something beautiful in my hands! Yep, my iPod. It is 120 gigabytes and can hold 30,000 songs, 150 hours of video, numerous pictures, and so much more. I can put my Bing on it! (Bing Crosby, for those of you that don't know me that well) Yep I'm an "old soul" because I love forties music.

On the school side...
I have taken my Psychology test (90 percent, heck yeah!) and my Chemistry test... Two more tests to go, Public Speaking and Cell Biology. So my hectic and crazy life will slow tomorrow at three. Until then, I cannot wait... More Office episodes? I think that that's a possible future activity for me. One thing I cannot wait for... is to move back home. It is such a hassle to transport half of my belongings home every weekend because I work in Fort Wayne. Life is so much easier living in my own room, with no one else to worry about or upset.

So, there's a group of young kids walking outside of my window, I wonder who the heck they are? Sorry for the ADD... :)

I love praise and worship chapels. I love worship with a huge group of people in the dark. No one can see me or hear me, so I am free to sing as loudly as I please. It's much easier to worship freely, when no one pays any attention to you. We sang a hymn (pretty sure that it's a hymn...) called "It is Well." We sang that song at my grandpa's memorial service. Eleven years later, it is still incredibly difficult for me to sing the words. Granted, I only saw my grandpa once a year, but I was really close to him. I wish I would have had more of a chance to get to know him. So, is it well with my soul? Yes and no. God called him home, and so he went. But, I wish I would have had a few more years with him.

I must start (or continue) my studies for my final two tests... until next time... PEACE!
(P.S. it was supposed to reach 75 degrees today, but it is FREEZING!!!)

Procrastination at it's finest...

It's 12:45 AM, and guess what... my speech still isn't written. It's not due until 6 PM tomorrow night, but I don't want to be stressed out all day tomorrow, but at this point, it's inevitable. I was home again this past weekend (yeah I know, what else is new?), and had a pretty good time. I love being home, and especially with my new window drapes, it feels like I have a brand-new room. I cannot wait to redecorate it! So, I am choosing to blog instead of write my speech. At the same time, my eyelids are about to close. I still have not had any pop since this whole thing began, and Facebook is remaining unchecked throughout the day as well. My goals are attainable, but I'm not sure about the amount of substance they contain. As I was telling my friend earlier today, my life is boring. This is not a bad thing, by any means. Life is boring, but I'm incredibly happy. I've got very few worries right now, and not much to complain about. I've become extremely content with my situation, and I'm so looking forward to the future. I don't have much to say to anyone, because I just don't have much to say. For the majority of my life, I've dealt with drama. For the majority of my life, all I've ever talked about is drama. Now that I'm semi-free of drama, I have nothing to say! I don't feel that I have to worry about the world crashing down on me, because I know that I can take it (but only with God's help, of course). Now that I'm finally happy, I need to discipline myself to grow. I don't have a whole lot going on in my life, and now is the perfect opportunity for me to do some serious work on my spiritual life. As I sit here thinking more and more about my speech, the more I need to say adios...

Bedtime anyone? Not me apparently...

This is going to be a short post just to write about the rest of the day since I've already written. Plus, my battery is about to die and my eyes are about to close. I'm going back to Helping Paws tomorrow for the first time since last semester. That is, if I can wake up :) Today was another one of those great days. I've been having a lot of those lately. I think it's the whole switching-my-major-kind-of-happiness. I love it and I'm so excited. Now, if only I could start my classes. Well, Facebook was only checked once today. No soda consumed. I still haven't done much with other areas that need some fixing, but Rome wasn't built in a day (or however that saying goes). Today was pretty stinking busy. I did homework, went to class, chapel, lunch. Tonight I went to Wal-Mart, a spaghetti dinner for a fundraiser (it was quite delicious), Reader's Theater, which was really interesting, watched Wizard of Oz (heck yeah!), played Round Robin ping pong, mafia, pyschiatrist, and now I'm typing (go figure). I am one busy girl. Now, before my eyes close...

It's On...

Today's your day, so come on, bring it on...
I've had a lot of time to think today. Mainly because I've been listening to my music all morning. We had Divine Hours chapel today, which was better than those of the past. I'm not the biggest fan of these chapels, because I don't like being led through the entire service. It's a very traditional time, and I'm not much for traditional worship. I like hymns, but in all other aspects of worship, I am much more contemporary. But before I go into more detail, I liked today's chapel. This is actually the first time I enjoyed it. I think this may because it was geared more towards Lent, and that's how it started out. My favorite part or line, if you will, of chapel today was from one of the prayers that we recited. It went something like, "to fear most the loss of You." It really stood out to me, and got me thinking. I constantly wonder why relationships are such a fragile issue for me, and tend to be the main cause of drama in my life. I don't need to fear losing friends. The only relationship I should fear losing is the one I have with my Creator. He knows me better than anyone else knows me, and better than I know myself. He's the one that wants me to succeed and be happy. He's the one that will care for me, no matter how much I sin. No matter what I do, He will still love me. This is definitely not true of earthly relationships. Relationships aren't perfect, and people get hurt too easily. NOTHING we can do will hurt our God. I'm not one for smooth transitions, so I'm abruptly changing topics again :)

Skillet - The Older I Get
The walls between you and I
Always pushing us apart
Nothing left but scars fight after fight
The space between our calm and rage
Started growing shorter,
Disappearing slowly day after day

Chorus 2:
I was sitting there waiting in my room for you
You were waiting for me too
And it makes me wonder

Chorus 1:
The older I get
Will I get over it?
It's been way too long for the times we missed
I didn't know then it would hurt like this but I think
The older I get
Maybe I'll get over it
It's been way too long for the times we missed
I can't believe it still hurts like this

The time between those cutting words
Built up our defenses
Never made no sense it just made me hurt
Do you believe that time heals all wounds?
It started getting better
But it's easy not to fight when I'm not with you

What was I waiting for
I should've taken less and given you more
I should've weathered the storm
I need to say so bad
What were you waiting for
This could have been the best we've ever had

I'm just getting older
I'm not getting over you I'm trying to
I wish it didn't hurt like this
It's been way too long for the times we missed
I can't believe it still hurts like this

"It's easy not to fight when I'm not with you." I guess this relates to what I was writing about earlier in this same post. Too much conflict exists in relationships. When people don't spend time together, the relationship has a chance to heal. Switching gears again... "The older I get, will I get over it? It's been way too long for the times we missed I didn't know then it would hurt like this." I used to be obsessed with the fact that I never had a best friend. Ya know, the kind of person who you can call at 3 in the morning, and then they'd talk until the sun comes up... Yeah, that never happened with me. I thought I had a best friend in middle school, but the feeling was never mutual. I learned to accept it in high school, but again became frustrated that no one ever reciprocated my feelings. Then, my senior year retreat, I discovered I didn't need a best friend and that Jesus was and is my best friend. He's the one I can call on at 3 in the morning. He's the one that will always reciprocate how much He loves me. I became much more happier. To top it all off, I became closer to one of my best friends. To this day, we're not best best friends, but I definitely learned a lesson. Actually, I have three best friends... It's ok that I'll never have just one best friend, because all my friends are so important in my life. Back to the song by Skillet, as I have gotten older and matured, I'm getting over it. It's nice to be reminded every once in a while to accept the situation I am in. Having one close best friend does not hurt anymore. I give all my thanks to God for this realization...