Today WAS a good day.....

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me


You probably cannot relate much to my situation, and that is ok with me. About ten minutes ago, I realized how much I miss my mom. It has been almost three months since I've seen or talked to her. Last fall we had our biggest blowout ever and we didn't speak for about four months. I think I was ok with not talking to her for awhile, but I didn't miss her as much then as I do now. The song above is one of my favorites, only because I heard it for the first time in the car with my mom. We were both singing (which has never happened for what I can remember) and by the end of the song I was in tears. It describes exactly what I went through with her (and what I'm still going through). But, what I think gets me most is the fact that she wasn't there to wipe away all my tears, and often, was absent when I had to face my fears. She was never there to hold my hand, but actually caused most of my pain. I do want her in my life, but I'm so sick of the way she treats me. I have so much to say, yet I struggle with how to put it into words. My mother and I have struggled in our relationship for my entire life. To this day, I have no clue whether or not I had a happy childhood. I don't remember any birthday parties before I was twelve, and the memories I do have after that are of times when I was in trouble. I was accused of everything, called every name in the book, punished for the most stupid reasons... I should be studying for my chemistry test, but I can't stop thinking about her. I really miss her. I haven't genuinely been able to say that for as long as I can remember.

Stop fightin, thats what I scream from my bedroom
it seems like lately this is all they ever do
Sayin things to each other like shut up and I hate you
Now every word cuts me deep like knives that stab you
I bury my head under the covers cause I have to
Drown out jus hearin my mother now tellin my dad to
Get out the house, I wonder when I'll get the bad news
I hate it when they scream loud plus when they shout too
I can't stand it when I see, and I really hate the sound too
As these tears run down my eyes until I can't do
Nothin but hope and pray and to try to understand to
I guess I'm gonna have to wait do whatever I can do
I lie in bed and shake cause this ain't what I planned to
Go through, plus I'm only six years old too
And I miss you so much and I jus wanna hold you
But on the day you walked out, this is what I told you
[Chorus]
Oh I miss you so much, Mommy please don't go
[4x]
Well you're gone but I see you on the weekends
But you and Dad right now really ain't speakin
And when he drops me off, I can jus feel the tension
Between you and him, but it something I didnt mention
Sometimes I close my eyes and jus start pretendin
That you're back together and I start to imagine
You both pick me up, and you hold me tight and I'm laughin
But when I opened them up I realized it never happened
And deep down inside my own mind I jus feels so sad and
Most of the time in the night I jus wake up cryin
Something ain't right cause now at school I'm fightin
I wish I was someone else and livin some other life and
I'll never forget the day I think I was just nine when
Ya told me the news that you two was divorcin
And I'ma live wit you now cause its the courts orders and
I said this to my dad jus wit tears in my eyes that
[Chorus]
Oh I miss you so much, Daddy please don't go
[4x]
It all changed that year in that one summer
A new family, a stepfather, and a little brother
New neighborhood, new school and a new mother
But how I'm a gonna make it through, now I got to wonder
But out of nowhere you appeared right there
Placed your hands on my face and jus brushed away the tears
Watched it all fade away you just chased away my fears
Showed me for always for all days that your're always here
You told me no matter what my love will never dissapear
And theres more then enough you
Demonstrated that you cared
Ya shed the blood of your son, you didnt ever spare
Gave Him up for me, even though it wasnt fair
Ya hung up on a tree where everybody could stare
He died so violently naked and jus bloody there
It was all jus for me nothing even could jus compare
I think back in the day that I used to jus declare that..
[Chorus]
Oh I miss you so much, Mommy please don't go
[4x]

I guess there is one good thing that I don't have to remember... the divorce itself. I have no clue whether or not it was a messy one. All I know is that I was always the messenger between my parents. Since the beginning of middle school, I can count the number of times my parents have talked to each other on one hand. It is incredibly difficult for me to watch "normal" families function. I wonder on a daily basis why I had to be the one in a divorce situation. I know I probably wouldn't be as strong as I am if I hadn't gone through all that. If my parents were still together, I probably wouldn't be a Christian, or could ever hope to know what love is.

Momma please stop cryin, I can't stand the sound
Your pain is painful and its tearin' me down
I hear glasses breakin as I sit up in my bed
I told dad you didn't mean those nasty things you
said

You fight about money, bout me and my brother
And this I come home to, this is my shelter
It ain't easy growin up in World War III
Never knowin what love could be, you'll see
I don't want love to destroy me like it has done
my family

Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I'll be better, Mommy I'll do anything
Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I'll be better, Daddy please don't
leave

Daddy please stop yellin, I can't stand the sound

Make mama stop cryin, cuz I need you around
My mama she loves you, no matter what she says
its true
I know that she hurts you, but remember I love
you, too

I ran away today, ran from the noise, ran away
Don't wanna go back to that place, but don't have
no choice, no way
It ain't easy growin up in World War III
Never knowin what love could be, well I've seen
I don't want love to destroy me like it did my
family

Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I'll be better, Mommy I'll do anything
Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I'll be better, Daddy please don't
leave

In our family portrait, we look pretty happy
Let's play pretend, let's act like it comes
naturally
I don't wanna have to split the holidays
I don't want two addresses
I don't want a step-brother anyways
And I don't want my mom to have to change her
last name

In our family portrait we look pretty happy
We look pretty normal, let's go back to that
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
Let's play pretend, act like it goes naturally

In our family portrait we look pretty happy
(Can we work it out? Can we be a family?)
We look pretty normal, let's go back to that
(I promise I'll be better, Mommy I'll do
anything)
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
(Can we work it out? Can we be a family?)
Let's play pretend act and like it comes so
naturally
(I promise I'll be better, Daddy please don't
leave)
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
(Can we work it out? Can we be a family?)
We look pretty normal, let's go back to that
(I promise I'll be better, Daddy please don't
leave)

Daddy don't leave
Daddy don't leave
Daddy don't leave
Turn around please
Remember that the night you left you took my
shining star?
Daddy don't leave
Daddy don't leave
Daddy don't leave
Don't leave us here alone

Mom will be nicer
I'll be so much better, I'll tell my brother
Oh, I won't spill the milk at dinner
I'll be so much better, I'll do everything right
I'll be your little girl forever
I'll go to sleep at night

I still find it so difficult for me to express good feelings towards my mom. It's hard for me to call her mom instead of mother. That is what I've resorted to calling her in the last few years. So, your advice? I know what it would be, to pick up the phone and call her. There's a problem with that though. The last time I talked to her was February 24. It had been about a week before when I was severely ticked off with her. She was using me, because she had to go out of town with her "boyfriend" over Valentine's Day. She was going to have our cats spayed, and she knew if she asked me, I couldn't possibly say no to taking care of my pets. The result? I let myself be used once more. I was very hurt that weekend, and I haven't really dealt with that. We didn't talk for ten days after that. February 24, apparently was the day that had her on edge. The problem with my mother is that she has no adult friends. So who gets the brunt of all her various ventilations? Me. I cannot handle my own stress sometimes, let alone hers. It was 11:00 at night, and I had yet to start my chemistry paper (not entirely my fault for starting it so late). She called me at 11:15 and just started to vent about her "horrible" life. Well, I had to start my paper, and I tried to communicate that with her. That didn't go over so well. She apparently took it as an insult. I told her I couldn't talk because I had to write a paper, but did she care? No. She told me that she sees where my priorities are at. Ouch... her last statement was followed by a disconnection of the lines. That was the last time I talked to her. My little brothers each had a cell phone (wrong, I know) and Tyler broke his. My mom also had hers stolen while on the trip out of town. When I was trying to write my paper, she called me on Caleb's phone (my other brother). There is also no home phone number that I can reach her at. Last Thursday was her birthday and I actually did want to see her. I was not going to go to her house, with hopes of not running into her boyfriend. So I tried calling all three lines. Sitting here now, all I know is that the three lines are probably disconnected. I have absolutely no way to get ahold of my mother (I haven't tried going home, but I sure as heck don't want to). I hope she is alright, my brothers and dogs too. I am worried, but I don't know what to do. I do miss her, I really do...