Life may be difficult, but I guarantee it won't end...

It's late, and I shouldn't be up still. It is the first of my two rough days of the week. I work nearly non-stop from 8:30 in the morning until 10:00 at night. But as I am still up, my mind is running at a thousand miles per hour. I've gotten many things accomplished (seeing as I have a new desk to work on :) ...), but I can't stop thinking about things. Fourth of July weekend was great. I love hanging out with my family, meaning cousins and aunts and uncles (at least this weekend)... I love my family. We had some really good talks, and I heard some slightly life-altering stories. None-the-less, it was a really good weekend, and I've been needing some good-quality family time. Well Sunday I had to work (go figure), and then my dad and I put my desk together. Well, it was almost complete... when I was talking and happened to stumble upon the fact that my mom called my dad last week. The last time I heard from her, she hung up on me because I had a paper to write. Is that fair? No. Was I even given one chance? No. Such is life... So the last time I spoke to her was February 24 or so. I guess she called dad for some information to apply for a passport. WHAT THE HECK?!? She's leaving the country? Who knows, especially not me... Am I furious? Most definitely. Will I get over it? Hopefully, most definitely. I miss her. I miss my brothers (and my dog of course). At least I now know that they're ok.

On another note...
I really miss the time I spent at camp. There were a few fights that I had to break up, fist fights, between girls. Kind of hard to imagine, at least for this girl who has lived in somewhat conservative Fort Wayne all her life, and has never been around ... I don't know what to call it. Calm life? My life is calm, minus my past obviously. So my life was completely hectic during camp, I had a set schedule (which I don't particularly enjoy and contradicts my later statements, sorry :), and I was pushed TO my limits. But life was good. Now I'm back again to my regular routine, and I miss being pushed. I miss having to completely rely on God, because I don't know what will happen next. Maybe that's why I enjoy spontaneity so much. I don't know what will happen next if I'm going through a hard time, yet I learn more in that short period of time than I do in all of my life. Sure my two jobs are both mentally and physically demanding, but they are also incredibly mind-numbing, at least in a spiritual/faith sense. Routine is quickly becoming my enemy. Routine holds the gaps where I might fall when life is "easy." What does it take to live dangerously, with no clue of tomorrow's troubles/joys?

They should arrest me :)

No, I didn't exactly break the law or anything... but the amount of music I steal from the library is amazing... Do not try this at home. My summer is painfully (literally) busy. Now, don't think I'm complaining here, but I feel like I'm working my butt off. I work for Dr. Jones a few days a week for 6-8 hours. Then I also work 8-10 hour shifts at Moe's. Don't you dare say, "welcome to the real world..." I will likely beat you with a stick :) This is my blog, I can write what I like. So, Chicago... I'm leaving in less than 24 hours!!! Absolutely freaking excited. I'm going with KT and Gracie. Road trip all the way. We're going to see Grace's cousin act in an improv show, SHEDD AQUARIUM (minus dolphins, which absolutely breaks my heart), the consulate (for Grace's Visa for Ecuador), China town, and any other randomly cheap ways to fill three college girls' lives. Wait for pictures. I've realized that being too busy does not help me. What I mean by that is, I have no chill time to actually relax, unwind, and spend time with my Creator. I'm still struggling trying to remember this, but my life is so crazy. HIS life (can you call it a life?) wasn't so crazy to create us, but I can't find the time? How is that fair?!? Sorry God. Help me please.

No Serious Bits of Wisdom Today...

I woke up in a bad mood, and it sure as heck hasn't gotten any better. It's not an absolutely horrible day by any means, but just a regular crappy day... I think I woke up in a bad mood because I had another dream about my mom. That's my second dream about her in a week. It was a dream about how I told her off for not contacting me when she got a new cell phone. I think she came into Moe's??? I don't remember, but finally she told me her new number and then subsequently I told her off. I love the fact that I'm learning about how I'm normal, because I can admit I hate my mom at times. I agree, if you can't admit that, you are messed up. I got my new tennis shoes a couple of days ago, and I rarely take them off. I have to go take a tennis test soon and then play for about a half hour. Then shower (maybe)... and work on my stupid pointless chem take-home exam all day long. The only break I am allowing myself is for the Office, which of course, I wouldn't miss for the world. I want some sleep... Hoping that this day gets better (doubtful).

Today WAS a good day.....

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me


You probably cannot relate much to my situation, and that is ok with me. About ten minutes ago, I realized how much I miss my mom. It has been almost three months since I've seen or talked to her. Last fall we had our biggest blowout ever and we didn't speak for about four months. I think I was ok with not talking to her for awhile, but I didn't miss her as much then as I do now. The song above is one of my favorites, only because I heard it for the first time in the car with my mom. We were both singing (which has never happened for what I can remember) and by the end of the song I was in tears. It describes exactly what I went through with her (and what I'm still going through). But, what I think gets me most is the fact that she wasn't there to wipe away all my tears, and often, was absent when I had to face my fears. She was never there to hold my hand, but actually caused most of my pain. I do want her in my life, but I'm so sick of the way she treats me. I have so much to say, yet I struggle with how to put it into words. My mother and I have struggled in our relationship for my entire life. To this day, I have no clue whether or not I had a happy childhood. I don't remember any birthday parties before I was twelve, and the memories I do have after that are of times when I was in trouble. I was accused of everything, called every name in the book, punished for the most stupid reasons... I should be studying for my chemistry test, but I can't stop thinking about her. I really miss her. I haven't genuinely been able to say that for as long as I can remember.

Stop fightin, thats what I scream from my bedroom
it seems like lately this is all they ever do
Sayin things to each other like shut up and I hate you
Now every word cuts me deep like knives that stab you
I bury my head under the covers cause I have to
Drown out jus hearin my mother now tellin my dad to
Get out the house, I wonder when I'll get the bad news
I hate it when they scream loud plus when they shout too
I can't stand it when I see, and I really hate the sound too
As these tears run down my eyes until I can't do
Nothin but hope and pray and to try to understand to
I guess I'm gonna have to wait do whatever I can do
I lie in bed and shake cause this ain't what I planned to
Go through, plus I'm only six years old too
And I miss you so much and I jus wanna hold you
But on the day you walked out, this is what I told you
[Chorus]
Oh I miss you so much, Mommy please don't go
[4x]
Well you're gone but I see you on the weekends
But you and Dad right now really ain't speakin
And when he drops me off, I can jus feel the tension
Between you and him, but it something I didnt mention
Sometimes I close my eyes and jus start pretendin
That you're back together and I start to imagine
You both pick me up, and you hold me tight and I'm laughin
But when I opened them up I realized it never happened
And deep down inside my own mind I jus feels so sad and
Most of the time in the night I jus wake up cryin
Something ain't right cause now at school I'm fightin
I wish I was someone else and livin some other life and
I'll never forget the day I think I was just nine when
Ya told me the news that you two was divorcin
And I'ma live wit you now cause its the courts orders and
I said this to my dad jus wit tears in my eyes that
[Chorus]
Oh I miss you so much, Daddy please don't go
[4x]
It all changed that year in that one summer
A new family, a stepfather, and a little brother
New neighborhood, new school and a new mother
But how I'm a gonna make it through, now I got to wonder
But out of nowhere you appeared right there
Placed your hands on my face and jus brushed away the tears
Watched it all fade away you just chased away my fears
Showed me for always for all days that your're always here
You told me no matter what my love will never dissapear
And theres more then enough you
Demonstrated that you cared
Ya shed the blood of your son, you didnt ever spare
Gave Him up for me, even though it wasnt fair
Ya hung up on a tree where everybody could stare
He died so violently naked and jus bloody there
It was all jus for me nothing even could jus compare
I think back in the day that I used to jus declare that..
[Chorus]
Oh I miss you so much, Mommy please don't go
[4x]

I guess there is one good thing that I don't have to remember... the divorce itself. I have no clue whether or not it was a messy one. All I know is that I was always the messenger between my parents. Since the beginning of middle school, I can count the number of times my parents have talked to each other on one hand. It is incredibly difficult for me to watch "normal" families function. I wonder on a daily basis why I had to be the one in a divorce situation. I know I probably wouldn't be as strong as I am if I hadn't gone through all that. If my parents were still together, I probably wouldn't be a Christian, or could ever hope to know what love is.

Momma please stop cryin, I can't stand the sound
Your pain is painful and its tearin' me down
I hear glasses breakin as I sit up in my bed
I told dad you didn't mean those nasty things you
said

You fight about money, bout me and my brother
And this I come home to, this is my shelter
It ain't easy growin up in World War III
Never knowin what love could be, you'll see
I don't want love to destroy me like it has done
my family

Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I'll be better, Mommy I'll do anything
Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I'll be better, Daddy please don't
leave

Daddy please stop yellin, I can't stand the sound

Make mama stop cryin, cuz I need you around
My mama she loves you, no matter what she says
its true
I know that she hurts you, but remember I love
you, too

I ran away today, ran from the noise, ran away
Don't wanna go back to that place, but don't have
no choice, no way
It ain't easy growin up in World War III
Never knowin what love could be, well I've seen
I don't want love to destroy me like it did my
family

Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I'll be better, Mommy I'll do anything
Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I'll be better, Daddy please don't
leave

In our family portrait, we look pretty happy
Let's play pretend, let's act like it comes
naturally
I don't wanna have to split the holidays
I don't want two addresses
I don't want a step-brother anyways
And I don't want my mom to have to change her
last name

In our family portrait we look pretty happy
We look pretty normal, let's go back to that
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
Let's play pretend, act like it goes naturally

In our family portrait we look pretty happy
(Can we work it out? Can we be a family?)
We look pretty normal, let's go back to that
(I promise I'll be better, Mommy I'll do
anything)
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
(Can we work it out? Can we be a family?)
Let's play pretend act and like it comes so
naturally
(I promise I'll be better, Daddy please don't
leave)
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
(Can we work it out? Can we be a family?)
We look pretty normal, let's go back to that
(I promise I'll be better, Daddy please don't
leave)

Daddy don't leave
Daddy don't leave
Daddy don't leave
Turn around please
Remember that the night you left you took my
shining star?
Daddy don't leave
Daddy don't leave
Daddy don't leave
Don't leave us here alone

Mom will be nicer
I'll be so much better, I'll tell my brother
Oh, I won't spill the milk at dinner
I'll be so much better, I'll do everything right
I'll be your little girl forever
I'll go to sleep at night

I still find it so difficult for me to express good feelings towards my mom. It's hard for me to call her mom instead of mother. That is what I've resorted to calling her in the last few years. So, your advice? I know what it would be, to pick up the phone and call her. There's a problem with that though. The last time I talked to her was February 24. It had been about a week before when I was severely ticked off with her. She was using me, because she had to go out of town with her "boyfriend" over Valentine's Day. She was going to have our cats spayed, and she knew if she asked me, I couldn't possibly say no to taking care of my pets. The result? I let myself be used once more. I was very hurt that weekend, and I haven't really dealt with that. We didn't talk for ten days after that. February 24, apparently was the day that had her on edge. The problem with my mother is that she has no adult friends. So who gets the brunt of all her various ventilations? Me. I cannot handle my own stress sometimes, let alone hers. It was 11:00 at night, and I had yet to start my chemistry paper (not entirely my fault for starting it so late). She called me at 11:15 and just started to vent about her "horrible" life. Well, I had to start my paper, and I tried to communicate that with her. That didn't go over so well. She apparently took it as an insult. I told her I couldn't talk because I had to write a paper, but did she care? No. She told me that she sees where my priorities are at. Ouch... her last statement was followed by a disconnection of the lines. That was the last time I talked to her. My little brothers each had a cell phone (wrong, I know) and Tyler broke his. My mom also had hers stolen while on the trip out of town. When I was trying to write my paper, she called me on Caleb's phone (my other brother). There is also no home phone number that I can reach her at. Last Thursday was her birthday and I actually did want to see her. I was not going to go to her house, with hopes of not running into her boyfriend. So I tried calling all three lines. Sitting here now, all I know is that the three lines are probably disconnected. I have absolutely no way to get ahold of my mother (I haven't tried going home, but I sure as heck don't want to). I hope she is alright, my brothers and dogs too. I am worried, but I don't know what to do. I do miss her, I really do...

This may be short... who knows? I'm struggling. I am not being heard. God listens, but sometimes it's difficult to not get a response. Is anyone else listening? Is anybody out there to here me? I don't want to be in a funk, but I'm heading in that direction. What do I do to get some confidence?

I'm stealing this verse from Beth's blog...
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

My take on this verse is a bit different though. It is something I've been struggling with and want to work on. I may have said this before, but I've been feeling almost too lazy. Just like this verse says, I was stressed and "burdened" last semester. I was beginning to realize how much I needed God in my life all the time, but was too busy to do anything about it. I've not had the toughest semester so far, so I've had a ton of extra time. I'm so used to go-go-go, I thought I was doing something wrong. I used to be so busy and was stressed, then became not so busy and was stressed that I wasn't busy... get my drift? No contentment!!! It's a horrible thing to wrestle with, let me tell ya. As Amy told me, it's ok to take some time to rest. This is exactly where I'm at right now. God is giving me a period of relaxation, and I believe it will help me strengthen my walk with Christ, in order to face some big stuff, that I wouldn't be able to face now. "... gentle and humble in heart..." God is amazing, there's absolutely no denying that. If there were only reason behind God's awesomeness, this would be it: He allows us to rest. Relaxation can heal and strengthen the body and mind. God's got big plans for all of us, me included, and we have to be strong enough to endure through them.

Continuing on the topic of relaxation...
I may be getting a babysitting job for the summer, what could be more relaxing than that?

For your viewing pleasure...

Don't be deceived, it was quite tasty!

The packs...

The tent...

Dad

Me

Hoping...

So, last Monday (March 23 of course...) my immune system lost the long-fought battle. I got really sick. Cold sick, not sick sick... It got so bad that my dad said I looked like death on Saturday. Nice thing to hear from your father... not. Then I had a speech to write for Tuesday the 31, but was still sick. (Does the sickness ever end?) Not so far... my speech went really well. It was my best one, and guess why? IT WAS ABOUT BACKPACKING!!! So much fun! I think I may try to upload some pictures if I can figure out how to do it... Later. Well then I had my chem test today, which seemed like so long ago. I've had one crazy day now that I think about it. I loved being able to do homework outside today. Sorry this post is so random... my mind is completely scattered. Well all week I've gotten less than 6 hours of sleep at night. Can't wait to get a decent night's sleep tomorrow night at home! Then tonight we also had a sex talk from my Psych professor. It was pretty good. After that, they had a panel of four wives from some of the staff here at good ol' HU. That was even better. I love listening to older women talk about their life experiences. It really helps me in some way, just not sure how yet. I've got two tests Monday and I'm working a lot this weekend. I want another spring break... please??? I realized tonight that I still have a lot of healing to do... not going into details, but I've got some more ideas about how to start fixing my crazy life. Always a good thing, I hope?

Some more thoughts...

I just started reading another book entitled, "Victory Over the Darkness: Realizing the Power of Your Identity in Christ," by Neil T. Anderson (how ironic?). I happened to come upon a poem by an unknown author...

Lend me your hope for awhile,
I seem to have mislaid mine.
Lost and hopeless feelings accompany me daily,
pain and confusion are my companions.
I know not where to turn;
looking ahead to future times does not bring forth images of renewed hope.
I see troubled times, pain-filled days, and more tragedy.

Lend me your hope for awhile,
I seem to have mislaid mine.
Hold my hand and hug me;
listen to all my ramblings, recovery seems so far distant.
The road to healing seems like a long and lonely one.

Lend me your hope for awhile,
I seem to have mislaid mine.
Stand by me, offer me your presence, your heart, and your love.
Acknowledge my pain, it is so real and ever present.
I am overwhelmed with sad and conflicting thoughts.

Lend me your hope for awhile;
a time will come when I will heal,
and I will share my renewal,
hope and love with others.

Backpacking Among Other Things...

Spring break went pretty well... not much happened. Some of the highlights included: going to Winter Jam with Grace, hanging out with Grace and her roommate, celebrating Grace's birthday with her family and Leslie, talking to Kt on Skype, and BACKPACKING!!! I went backpacking with my dad for two days in Morgan Monroe State Forest near Bloomington. We hiked a ten-mile trail, which was extremely hilly. We hiked five miles each day and camped that night. It was near 50 degrees during the day, but got down to 20 degrees that night. Man, it was cold... but a lot of fun. I definitely recommend it over non-primitive camping.

On another note...
I feel like I'm running out of things to say. I've been stuck in this pattern for a while now. I feel somewhat stagnant in life right now. It's just this repetitive and neverending rut...

Until I find more things to say?

Those weather forecasters are a group of liars...

Wow, I definitely have not been using my computer as much as I'd like to. Maybe this will help with my failing battery life. I haven't updated my blog in a while... so here goes.

What to say first? I guess, I've kept my goals for the season. No pop, rare use of Facebook. I really miss Coke at work though. It's been tough, but I know I can do it. Motivation is a wonderful thing. How much motivation is behind my goals though? Just so I can say, "heck yeah, I did it!"? I guess having goals is a good thing. Maybe it's the only way for me to remember to do things, or give them more importance.

My family and I went shopping Saturday... Best thing ever happened... We ate lunch at Chic-fil-a, and Barb asked me about my money situation and my extreme desire for an iPod. Well we got to talking, and I figured out that I could pay my dad back in about a month. I told him that, and he said, "well, let's go get it." JAW DROPPING OCCURS HERE!!! The one thing that I've been wanting for about four or five years, is now MINE! My dad paid for part of it for my birthday, and I'll pay him back for the rest. My life is now complete :) just kidding... but seriously. If you see me in the next few weeks (or years), you are likely to see headphones in my ears, and something beautiful in my hands! Yep, my iPod. It is 120 gigabytes and can hold 30,000 songs, 150 hours of video, numerous pictures, and so much more. I can put my Bing on it! (Bing Crosby, for those of you that don't know me that well) Yep I'm an "old soul" because I love forties music.

On the school side...
I have taken my Psychology test (90 percent, heck yeah!) and my Chemistry test... Two more tests to go, Public Speaking and Cell Biology. So my hectic and crazy life will slow tomorrow at three. Until then, I cannot wait... More Office episodes? I think that that's a possible future activity for me. One thing I cannot wait for... is to move back home. It is such a hassle to transport half of my belongings home every weekend because I work in Fort Wayne. Life is so much easier living in my own room, with no one else to worry about or upset.

So, there's a group of young kids walking outside of my window, I wonder who the heck they are? Sorry for the ADD... :)

I love praise and worship chapels. I love worship with a huge group of people in the dark. No one can see me or hear me, so I am free to sing as loudly as I please. It's much easier to worship freely, when no one pays any attention to you. We sang a hymn (pretty sure that it's a hymn...) called "It is Well." We sang that song at my grandpa's memorial service. Eleven years later, it is still incredibly difficult for me to sing the words. Granted, I only saw my grandpa once a year, but I was really close to him. I wish I would have had more of a chance to get to know him. So, is it well with my soul? Yes and no. God called him home, and so he went. But, I wish I would have had a few more years with him.

I must start (or continue) my studies for my final two tests... until next time... PEACE!
(P.S. it was supposed to reach 75 degrees today, but it is FREEZING!!!)

Procrastination at it's finest...

It's 12:45 AM, and guess what... my speech still isn't written. It's not due until 6 PM tomorrow night, but I don't want to be stressed out all day tomorrow, but at this point, it's inevitable. I was home again this past weekend (yeah I know, what else is new?), and had a pretty good time. I love being home, and especially with my new window drapes, it feels like I have a brand-new room. I cannot wait to redecorate it! So, I am choosing to blog instead of write my speech. At the same time, my eyelids are about to close. I still have not had any pop since this whole thing began, and Facebook is remaining unchecked throughout the day as well. My goals are attainable, but I'm not sure about the amount of substance they contain. As I was telling my friend earlier today, my life is boring. This is not a bad thing, by any means. Life is boring, but I'm incredibly happy. I've got very few worries right now, and not much to complain about. I've become extremely content with my situation, and I'm so looking forward to the future. I don't have much to say to anyone, because I just don't have much to say. For the majority of my life, I've dealt with drama. For the majority of my life, all I've ever talked about is drama. Now that I'm semi-free of drama, I have nothing to say! I don't feel that I have to worry about the world crashing down on me, because I know that I can take it (but only with God's help, of course). Now that I'm finally happy, I need to discipline myself to grow. I don't have a whole lot going on in my life, and now is the perfect opportunity for me to do some serious work on my spiritual life. As I sit here thinking more and more about my speech, the more I need to say adios...

Bedtime anyone? Not me apparently...

This is going to be a short post just to write about the rest of the day since I've already written. Plus, my battery is about to die and my eyes are about to close. I'm going back to Helping Paws tomorrow for the first time since last semester. That is, if I can wake up :) Today was another one of those great days. I've been having a lot of those lately. I think it's the whole switching-my-major-kind-of-happiness. I love it and I'm so excited. Now, if only I could start my classes. Well, Facebook was only checked once today. No soda consumed. I still haven't done much with other areas that need some fixing, but Rome wasn't built in a day (or however that saying goes). Today was pretty stinking busy. I did homework, went to class, chapel, lunch. Tonight I went to Wal-Mart, a spaghetti dinner for a fundraiser (it was quite delicious), Reader's Theater, which was really interesting, watched Wizard of Oz (heck yeah!), played Round Robin ping pong, mafia, pyschiatrist, and now I'm typing (go figure). I am one busy girl. Now, before my eyes close...

It's On...

Today's your day, so come on, bring it on...
I've had a lot of time to think today. Mainly because I've been listening to my music all morning. We had Divine Hours chapel today, which was better than those of the past. I'm not the biggest fan of these chapels, because I don't like being led through the entire service. It's a very traditional time, and I'm not much for traditional worship. I like hymns, but in all other aspects of worship, I am much more contemporary. But before I go into more detail, I liked today's chapel. This is actually the first time I enjoyed it. I think this may because it was geared more towards Lent, and that's how it started out. My favorite part or line, if you will, of chapel today was from one of the prayers that we recited. It went something like, "to fear most the loss of You." It really stood out to me, and got me thinking. I constantly wonder why relationships are such a fragile issue for me, and tend to be the main cause of drama in my life. I don't need to fear losing friends. The only relationship I should fear losing is the one I have with my Creator. He knows me better than anyone else knows me, and better than I know myself. He's the one that wants me to succeed and be happy. He's the one that will care for me, no matter how much I sin. No matter what I do, He will still love me. This is definitely not true of earthly relationships. Relationships aren't perfect, and people get hurt too easily. NOTHING we can do will hurt our God. I'm not one for smooth transitions, so I'm abruptly changing topics again :)

Skillet - The Older I Get
The walls between you and I
Always pushing us apart
Nothing left but scars fight after fight
The space between our calm and rage
Started growing shorter,
Disappearing slowly day after day

Chorus 2:
I was sitting there waiting in my room for you
You were waiting for me too
And it makes me wonder

Chorus 1:
The older I get
Will I get over it?
It's been way too long for the times we missed
I didn't know then it would hurt like this but I think
The older I get
Maybe I'll get over it
It's been way too long for the times we missed
I can't believe it still hurts like this

The time between those cutting words
Built up our defenses
Never made no sense it just made me hurt
Do you believe that time heals all wounds?
It started getting better
But it's easy not to fight when I'm not with you

What was I waiting for
I should've taken less and given you more
I should've weathered the storm
I need to say so bad
What were you waiting for
This could have been the best we've ever had

I'm just getting older
I'm not getting over you I'm trying to
I wish it didn't hurt like this
It's been way too long for the times we missed
I can't believe it still hurts like this

"It's easy not to fight when I'm not with you." I guess this relates to what I was writing about earlier in this same post. Too much conflict exists in relationships. When people don't spend time together, the relationship has a chance to heal. Switching gears again... "The older I get, will I get over it? It's been way too long for the times we missed I didn't know then it would hurt like this." I used to be obsessed with the fact that I never had a best friend. Ya know, the kind of person who you can call at 3 in the morning, and then they'd talk until the sun comes up... Yeah, that never happened with me. I thought I had a best friend in middle school, but the feeling was never mutual. I learned to accept it in high school, but again became frustrated that no one ever reciprocated my feelings. Then, my senior year retreat, I discovered I didn't need a best friend and that Jesus was and is my best friend. He's the one I can call on at 3 in the morning. He's the one that will always reciprocate how much He loves me. I became much more happier. To top it all off, I became closer to one of my best friends. To this day, we're not best best friends, but I definitely learned a lesson. Actually, I have three best friends... It's ok that I'll never have just one best friend, because all my friends are so important in my life. Back to the song by Skillet, as I have gotten older and matured, I'm getting over it. It's nice to be reminded every once in a while to accept the situation I am in. Having one close best friend does not hurt anymore. I give all my thanks to God for this realization...

Day 2...

Just a warning (or not quite, considering I've already posted two entries...) I like to be random when I type. I mean, if you haven't noticed that yet... you may not be so good at making observations :) Today I woke up... tired as could be, but still got seven hours of sleep! I think it's ridiculous that I have to wake up tired every single day. None-the-less... I wake up after showers. I went to Chem, then Chapel. Chapel was pretty good... I asked a friend if he was a good speaker or not and she said that she's heard mixed opinions from people. Apparently, he was a Christian Environmentalist. This my friends, is not an oxymoron in my opinion. This is EXACTLY what my J-Term class was all about, being good stewards of God's Creation. Is there anything wrong with enjoying and respecting the environment? In my opinion, no. God created a beautiful earth, which should be respected. So, I don't understand why Christian Environmentalism is such a touchy subject for some people. On the other hand, I am not trying to offend anyone with my comments or opinions. My views are exactly that, opinions, which I am completely entitled to. One thing I will not do is try to make you alter your beliefs, because you are allowed your opinions too. That is definitely one of my bigger pet peeves, when someone tries to change your opinion because it is "wrong" in their eyes. Wow, I didn't really expect to go off on that tangent... I guess I've been holding back those emotions for a while :) On a different note, today was much less productive than yesterday. It seems like time is never-ending, yet I never have enough when I am doing homework or studying for a test. I think I forgot to list my other goal for this season of Lent, which is curbing (completely) my consumption of all soda beverages. And no, I do not normally say soda, but pop looks so weird to type :) At every meal, there is the temptation to partake in soda products, but I have been good. Also, I have stuck to my other goal (thus far) of only checking Facebook once a day. Here comes a point of weakness for me... I was supposed to meet with my small group tonight, but failed to find anyone. So, I went to check my e-mail on a public computer (mine was not on at the time) and found out, sadly, that we were not meeting. The worst part of it is... Facebook has become such a habit for me, that I automatically found myself entering the web address to check my Facebook. Uh oh, you may say... but the page wouldn't load. I don't like to say that "that was a sign from God," but something definitely kept me from checking it and I have not been on Facebook more than necessary in the past two days. I want this extra time that I have to be used (or at least part of it) to do devotions. I am not doing so well in this area... It is so much easier to pop in a DVD or a season of TV (my choice today: The Office!) than to crack open the Bible. God's Word is not spoon-fed to you in the same way that television is. You don't have to work for a relationship with the television, as weird as that sounds. You have to be willing and disciplined to have a relationship with God. I think that too often I wait for Him to do the work, when that is not how it should happen. If I want a relationship (a healthy one at that), I need to invest time in it. I think this realization will help me with earthly relationships as well. I've been struggling with feeling like I do all the work in relationships. I don't understand why this is the case or why I feel this way, but it may be considered shallow or selfish for me to think this, and for that I am sorry. I am a selfish individual, but I can't be too hard on myself, because we are all selfish. We all fall short. We all are selfish at one point or another. My hope is that I become more disciplined to incorporate God into every area of my life. Maybe this is the time for some serious changes. How can I be sure that I am willing to make those changes? Or, how can I attempt this change, because I truly believe I am willing. It's all about completing the actions. Sorry if this is confusing at all, but I am quickly becoming comfortable with blogging :) I think that's all I have to say for now. Let's hope for a better tomorrow...

I need to sleep...

I finished my Chem paper at 5:30 this morning. I don't understand why it takes me so long to write papers, but now I am severely sleep deprived. Other than that... it was a good and uneventful day. Today is Ash Wednesday and for the first time, I've been challenged to do something for Lent. Our RA, the wonderful Carrie Hall, challenged us to change something in our lives that will further our relationship with Christ. So obviously, being the Facebook stalker that I am, I decided to let myself only check Facebook once a day. I now realize how much time this truly frees up in my life. I took naps in between classes today (much needed of course) and met at Starbuck's for accountability time. I then went to our dorms' Poverty Meal. I was sad that I missed the first part of it, because I felt really confused. This would have been a good thing for me not to miss, but I can't change that now. Because of the Meal, I decided to fast all night and not eat dinner. I can't say that I got a whole lot out of it, but I've been distracted all night. Or else it was the lack of sleeping... I don't know. I got my homework done at 7:30, and was able to watch TV for the first time in forever, without feeling guilty about not doing homework. I would say that I was pretty productive today. Hopefully tomorrow will be similar. Now that I think about it, Facebook is just a waste of time (in most cases). Don't get me wrong, I'll continue to use it. But, I won't waste all my time on it, when I could be doing more worthwhile things (like getting homework done...). I am also a fan of Firefox now... Shhh... Don't tell Internet Explorer :) Hopefully this blogging thing will get easier for me, because right now... it feels awkward and boring (for others, that is). Bear with me until I become comfortable... To everyone else... GOODNIGHT!!!

Aren't blogs always more important than Chemistry?

So... I gave in. I decided to start blogging. I've actually been thinking about starting a blog for a few weeks now, considering how much I read other blogs. Is this a worthwhile distraction from my paper that I should be writing right now? I guess I'll find out later this morning, depending on the amount of sleep I get. Feel free to read to read this to your heart's desire, but I make no promises of writing anything interesting to you. :)